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Monday 2 January 2006

Best Bond Film Ever [Beej]

It is traditional that with some regularity The Man Down The Pub, or maybe one of those terrible programmes on Channel 5, will raise the important British question about who is the best James Bond actor, and which is the best James Bond film. There is also an argument for Best Bond Girl, but no matter how much you argue the point about Jill St. John's norks, Ursula Andress always seems to win.

So, side-stepping the Best Bond Actor discussion for now (and the subject of the new fella) I've been braindumped some ideas about what's good and not-so-good about the twenty-ish Bond films so far.

The criteria used to quantify and rate the quality of the Bond films is as follows:

  • Plot: is it an interesting and exciting spy thriller?
  • Villain: should be foreign with some sort of disfigurement
  • Henchman: Oddjob or Jaws good, speccy twat bad
  • Bond Girls: films with no proper totty are lame ducks (see TND)
  • Car: Does Universal Exports issue an Aston Martin, or something German?
  • Underground lair: true megalomaniacs have a lair, not a stealth boat (see, er, TND again)
  • Q Branch: Omega watches and jam trousers
  • Theme tune: Madonna can fuck off and all

Looking at these vital Bond elements, I've narrowed the list down to a selection of five Bond films whose ratings I've made out to be something like this.

PlotVillainHenchGirlsAstonLairQThemeDr. No (1962)xxxxxGoldfinger (1964)xxxxxxThe Spy Who Loved Me (1977)xxxxx1xxxThe Living Daylights (1987)xxxxxGoldenEye (1995)xxxxxxxx
1 Not an Aston but a Lotus Espirit. Qualifies.

So coincidentally, there's a Bond film here from each decade. Except for 2000 onwards, where I'm afraid so far we've had nothing but shiny floors and big explosions. You left at the right time Mr.Broz! Those writers still haven't given you a worthy sequel to GoldenEye.


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