Last night promised to offer something slightly different; "Clapham Junction" was billed as a gay drama set in Clapham (and by this as we saw, they meant "anywhere within 4,000 miles of Clapham, depending on how the Director was feeling") and apparently lifting the lid on modern gayness and attitudes to same.
It took about 15 minutes before I realised this was anything but - its very difficult to describe what exactly was going through the author/director/production team"s mind but I can only assume it was large quantities of meta-amphetamines.
Lets break down the characters, and the message associated with each:
- Gays play string instruments to hide their sexual orientation! - Skinny violin playing black kid. Looked about 14, and contributed nothing to the entire ensemble other than the vague notion that he was being intimidated by other kids because of his penchant for cat gut and Nigel Kennedy CDs. Appeared twice in the whole two hour production with zero integration with any other character or indeed any individual character development.
- Gay men are filthy animals with no morals! - Gay couple get married in a civil ceremony in what appeared to be Somerset House. Minutes after exchanging vows, Groom #1 is hitting on a member of the waiting staff. Minutes later, they"re in the pantry snorting drinking champers, snorting coke off pedestal bases whilst Groom #1 goes for the whole "Hows Your Father?". Waiting staff breaks it off and leaves, Groom #1 goes back to Groom #2 who immediately asks for the coke.
- Gay teenagers suck pens when they can"t suck cock! - Skinny dead-eyed white kid, no older than 15, starts eyeing up some heroin-chic bloke in the school library; a bloke who is clearly double his age. Suggestive biro sucking and glances end in frustration as the older guy leaves.
- Gay men are mentally unbalanced and ultra violent! - Paul Nichols (don"t ask) meets a skinhead in a club, there is a passing reference to piss and they retire to the latter"s appallingly decorated apartment which looks like seconds from last season"s IKEA bargain basement. Paul Nichols (don"t ask) makes up a lie about his mum and proceeds to batter the shit out of the skinhead and whilst our balding homo lies on the floor all bloodied up, Paul Nichols (don"t ask) takes an enormous piss on him; before saying "I hate the fucking Pet Shop Boys" and leaving.
- Getting fucked in a toilet is normal, especially for closest homos! - Harley Street Doctor phones wife and says he is going to be late to a dinner engagement. Working late he says, before sidling off to a toilet in Clapham Common and engaging in a spot of glory hole blow-jobbing followed by a violent lubricant free cubicle fuck. He"s clearly working out his issues, and just as things come to a climax the waiter from the wedding comes in.
- Gay men can"t run! And then get beated up and killed! - Waiter is accosted in the toilets after having a wry smile to himself (he sees the closet homo above in the cubicle as his beau leaves, post coitus. Waiter runs out of the toilets and then bizarrely starts running across Clapham Common. Anyone who knows the area knows that the exit from the toilets isn"t onto the Common, it is straight into Clapham Common shopping area/main road/traffic lights. So he gets teleported, chased down and beaten up.
- Gay teenagers so driven for sex they seduce paedos! - Biro sucking dead-eyed teenager happens to live right opposite his library co-reader, who also happens to be a paedo and lives in a burnt out flat (what the fuck ??). Teenager pops over, gets into burnt out flat and after a few fags and some Carling Black Label, is busy climbing aboard the paedo-express for a return journey to Sausage City.
- Gay men are evil and let other gay men die. But not before they"ve robbed them! - Paul Nichols (don"t ask) attempts to seduce yet another fat bald man on a park bench, fails, and stumbles across the waiter who is behind a bush and all bloodied up. Paul Nichols (don"t ask) nicks his ring and then shifts - waiter boy dies in hospital later, following some ridiculous white middle class tete-a-tete during a dinner party.
Thats it, in a nutshell. It was pathetic. Indescribably shameful in its approach, delivery and execution. Fundamentally awful at all levels, and so full of utter fantastical bullshit it should have had "Harry Potter And The: " prefixed to the title. The author, the Commissioning Editor of Channel 4, and indeed anyone involved in bringing this heap of crap to life should be taken to Clapham Junction and pushed in front of the nearest GNER service.