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Wednesday 18 August 2004

Fat birds [Lurks]

Fat birds, they're just not cricket in my view. I mean neither are fat blokes, I guess, but then I'm not looking at blokes with a few to whether I want to shag them or not. That's not to say you do that with all women either but I mean when you look at one, you'd quite like it if she was easy on the eye. They all love it too, I mean love looking easy on the eye. At least I assume they do because they spend so fucking long dolling themselves up.
The thing is, every time I'm out and about these days I see some perfectly reasonable looking bloke (near as I can tell, right) with some bird who has one of those sort of duelling basketballs type arses. Clearly loves the cakes and does virtually no excersize at all.
The thing is, I bet these girls weren't quite as much of a munter when they hooked up with this bloke. They've just sort of let themselves go. Now I dunno about you but when I turned into a full blown fat bastard my missus whinged in no uncertain terms and I had to sort myself out. Women think nothing of that sort of thing, they've got all the prior art in the world when it comes to the patents on moaning.
Yet obviously if you were to say to your missus "Hey love, I think you've stacked on a few pounds and well, I don't really find it attractive when you sweat while eating. I also quite like taking you from behind but now you've got half a side of beef in the way. Any chance you could sort yourself out love?"...
Well, pretty darn sure that would be met with a nuclear level domestic, quite possibly loss of life and almost certainly the loss of a relationship. So these blokes let it slide. Then they end up in the situation where they're walking down the road with a swamp creature, well... more sort of walking in front of it really, since there's not enough room on the pavement and if you walk in front then you don't have to look at the arse.
I'm thinking though, if this trend goes on. Wont society have a self-sterilization effect? The men-folk too scared to say anything but not being sexually aroused by their fat and hideous wo-beast partners in any way shape or form and uselessly throwing their man-custard into a tissue night after night. It's a scenario isn't it.
Maybe I'm being harsh but well, this is for fuck sake. It's just that lately I seem to be hemmed in by munter-beasts on the streets, on the tube and turning sideways to shove their quivvering sweaty masses into the same tuck-shop I go to for lunch. (Usually buying a *salad* with a fucking mars bar, packet of crisps and a milkshake). Am I right? Are we being drowning in an ocean of female blubber and will this steralise the nation so only the poor can breed? Or do those fat bottom girls give you teh stiffy?


  1. I do like a bit of meat on me woman I have to say. I'm not talking about huge fucking wo-beasts with four tits and saggy bingo wings, but I do like a good bit of curvature arsage and titage. I guess tasts stretch in both directions, so you can't assume everyone else likes the vag they haunt to be the same shape.
    There's been some good docu's lately about blokes who like they're wimmin big, including some pretty worrying stuff where the blokes actually feeding them with pies and shit purely because they love to slap the arse and ride a ripple.

  2. That's horrible.

  3. It's all genetic though, see. They can't help it - they eat one stick of celery and that magically puts on an inch. A McDs quarter-pounder puts on half-a-pound.Or is that all bullshit?
    The truth is, I don't know a huge number of "fat" people (Ive got a belly, so have many of "the lads", but most people I hang with play a fair amount of sport) but of the "big boned" people I know, they're always the ones ordering TWO meals in a takeout... or eating a large lunch and following it with a cream cake. Then listen to them talk to someone who wasn't out at lunch and they'll say "Yeah, Im skipping breakfast an only having fruit for lunch". These are the same people that turn up for work positively reaking of bacon fat chomping away on one of those breakfast bars - but not a muesli one, no - one of the chocolate covered ones containing a sugary cereal.
    Sure, genetics and metabolism make it a bit easier/harder to gain/lose weight, but some people just use that as a perfect excuse - I guess it's all about self respect. I'll be the first to admit I've picked up a bit of a belly, but I'm doing something about it, and would never let it go beyond a good winters ale supping...