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Friday 3 September 2004

Who first? [Lurks]

With the news that Clinton is to undergo quad heart bypass surgery, it got me to thinking. If a pretty young ex-president, subjected to years of vigorous physicals and given the all clear at every stage, should suddenly have the need for major heart surgery - what hope for the rest of us?
Still, let's have some fun with it eh? Which clanner is going to have their first proper heart attack?
  • Amnesia - already has heart palpitations or some weird stuff. Walks about as far as his beamer and back every day.
  • Houmous - the grandaddy of the clan and everyone knows a story about some bloke who looked fine and then dropped dead on the shitter. He pays a lot of attention to the cleanliness of his shitter and I have to wonder if he's preparing it for last rites.
  • Shedir - He's a Scot and they basically invented heart disease.
  • Skeeve - Heading into the BMI 40-odd redline, pity that pumper!
  • Slim - Clan's most famous pie-eater and has a penchant for fad-diets and sudden onsets of unusual physical excersize. Frequent sharp shocks (often delivered to the side of the head by his missus) might just be the last straw.

Obviously it wont be me since I'm a hardened athlete but as for the above, place your bets bitches.


  1. I notice that the EED Blog Bad Taste Barrier has been lowered a notch or two... Down with this kind of thing! (fiver on Skeeve please)

  2. The weirdest thing about my palpitations which were getting really quite bad indeed - big lurches;
    Brother and sister in law come around last weekend and say "Oh you've got softened water, we had to make up some different drinks". To which I said "why?" to which they replied "because it's absolutely chock full of salt and you musn't drink it". They then point out what I had referred to as the 'plate rinsing tap' which err turns out to be the non-softened tap.
    So I stop drinking oodles of this salty stuff and realise that salt and potassium according to google, which is always true, are the major regulators of heart beat. Guess what? A week later it's nearly totally gone.
    The bloke I bought off said he installed the softener because "he liked the taste". He lived here for 11 years. Appears he was poisoning himself pretty comprehensively!

  3. After some of the war stories I got out on the tube on Thursday night, I'd like to place a fairly hefty bet on Teh Lurker as the clan's first dicky ticker dead pool entry. I'm not sure what scientific links exist between class As and heart disease, but I'll wager it's not all good! ;)

  4. That was when I was young and wild.

  5. Thats the trouble Mat - you're old and wild now!
    I have this theory that people who do class A's etc. are actually able to relax and enjoy themselves and therefore suffer far less from the far more life threatening disease of stress. Consequently they will live far longer.
    I myself, for example, was born in a remote Scottish village in 1763 and, following a miraculous recovery from a battle wound after a good night on the mushrooms, am doomed, as a result of my incredibly good health (not to mention my stunning looks and sparkling personality) to live for centuries more, occasionally having to cut off other peoples heads with my big sword, but other than that generally having a good time........

  6. I work with two guys who are 40, they both drive motorbikes, take copious quantiies of drugs and people are shocked when they find out how old they are. Me on the otherhand, everyone thinks I'm years older than I actually am and I'm only 27 - grrrr

  7. Typical Houmous, any opportunity to talk about the size of his chopper...
    I like your theory though. I may write it down and pin it to my wall. It will serve as reassurance next time I'm in a hideous, self-inflicted, utterly bollocksed up state :)

  8. Tenner on Skeeve please thanks ta.

  9. Jay - doing 190mph in a 40 zone, because speeding = true freedom and sod the lot of ya (by the way biatches, look at mi'new treads innit).
    Am - having dressed like The Equalizer since the late 1970s, and having obvious difficulties with the concept of buying versus selling, he's clearly in decline.
    Teeth - Death By Beige; an affliction stamped out as part of a World Health Organisation immediately following the eradication of polio, but which still seems to rest a deathly hand on our very own 60's knitwear icon.
    Slim - Death By Missus. For obvious reasons (ref: TS/AS/COCK).

  10. I think Brit could be our first victim, fair enough he looks quite healthy, but years of fag and champagne abuse will of taken their toll, chuck in fine dining and stress..... IĆ¢€™ll get the nails.

  11. Dear Spiro m'lad, if I die of "champagne abuse" I shall be laughing all the way to the morgue!
    Which reminds me; I must now nominate Muz since he's clearly exposed on a daily basis to that Sri Lankan delicacy "Arrak"... or, as it's more commonly known, triple distilled evil.

  12. I reckon Jay will be the first to go - the law of large numbers has to kick in eventualy.
    WRT Brit, when you're getting those nails, be sure to chop down an extra pine tree or two to expand the coffin. Actually, that could just as easily be said of Gareth... and Skeeve... errrr.....