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Wednesday 4 February 2004

Designing the ultimate lair [am]

Hush and speak not the word 'gazump' cos I don't wanna hear it. (Note for foreigners and other aliens, this is the word used for when you've already got an offer down on a property and you think you're going to buy it and then some other b4stardos over-bids you even though you've agreed the sale and you lose out and then you lay waste to them, their prodgeny and their lands and consequently wind up doing a fifteen stretch with a twenty two stone armed robber who wants to be addressed as 'Glenda'). But & however, on the basis that things do go ahead as planned, me, the missus and Nipper Jim are moving down (alright mostly across) to the coast in Whitstable.
Now, as previously babbled about on some EED London drinkorage (you should try it, you'd like it), I am threatening to use some of this newly aquired space to host a spring or summer lan. Given that we have now rejected public lans having utterly monstered the i-Series with HouLan(TM), the edition of AmLan will add up to a really very cool private lan series agenda for EED. This should come as no surprise since you are already on the homepage of the staggeringly leet. However on the other hand (there are also some fingers), the impending move leads me to a bigger fish to fry and a burning question I must ask our blog community (which I do so now because I can nearly hear the Lurker shouting 'Thank Minter for that! Get to the point man!');
What would you put in your ultimate lair?
Yes, in this new gaff there is a room built into the top of the house which runs along a the roof and consequently provides me (until I'm kicked out by a younger generation in future years) with a 22 by 14 foot lair! So basically I can fill it with what I like and have plenty of space to play with. So what would you have in your dream lair and how would you design it? Any resources you've seen with cool lairs / boys rooms or 'dens'? Pour yourself a strong voddy and tonic from that lemonade bottle you keep under the desk and let your imagination roam.....


  1. Without a doubt a proper punchbag and speedball. A fridge/minibar obviously, a pool table to go with it. A cam /intercom of some sort for the front door, see if it's worth descending to answer it.

  2. Essentials:- Large PC desk with comfy chair- Bangin sound system- Screen compatable lighting- Fridge- Sofa- Big arse TV & every games console- Bikini posters- Bookshelves full of decent shit and no girly pap
    The rest, who gives a fuck? We're blokes not changing rooms designers. Provided the essentials are in place, the rest doesn't fucking matter.

  3. Hmmm, I've given it some thought Am, and I can't think of anything more essential than a fair sized collection of comics... say, 1500 assorted Marvel/DC issues, with a strong emphasis on early 1990s X-Men related titles.
    Clearly, this would form the cornerstone of any self-respecting male 'space'.
    Now, if only you knew someone who was willing to sell such a ready made collection... for, say, 500 quid or so. Hmmmm...

  4. Apart from the PC and desk you'll need a huge widescreen TV/projector and surround system for movie watching. Sofa/beanbags for guests. Arcade Cabinet, popcorn maker.
    And of course the ultimate

  5. Shed - punch bag and speedball? Am I sensing some concept of exercisehere? Were you perhaps thinking that you were blogging for your otherclan?
    Slim - it's a fair point well made about design but I think you'vemissed the point of a key consideration here. Just where does one placethe fridge - near the sofa or the puter. Do you put in rubber flooringso you can visit safely? You see?

  6. I'm with shed about the heavy bag and speedball, but we're obviously in the minority. Pool table is a must.
    Widescreen telly: this is a toughie. Presumably at some point you're going to want to introduce the nipper to consoles, and watch the occaisional DVD with the missus. The question you must ask yourself, therefore, is whether or not you wish to allow them access to your sanctum sanctorum. If you manly heart screams 'NO!', then the telly must surely be placed in the living room.
    The fridge: I would personally say this should be near the 'puter, as I get the impression that you are a man who would spend the majority of his time in the lair at the keyboard, as it were, seeing as you own no consoles, and DVDs can only hold one's attention for so long. I think that covers the main points...

  7. Where there is a fridge, there is beer. Where there is beer there is lots of going to the lav.
    You'll need an en suite (or a low level window ;))

  8. schoolboy error that Muz. Product of a student mind. Pray explain to me why a household is limited to a single widescreen telly?

  9. Fair play. I sit corrected.

  10. Good work those fellas. More suggestions bitches!

  11. what it really needs is a very dark corner with one of those old very big and very british chairs where you can sit with a cigar and whisky looking all evil.

  12. Am you need to move on from this tired cliche macho bullshit which a number of your so called colleagues have described above.
    I suggest a minimalist japanese theme (you insist people take their shoes off) with some eclectic modern sculpture. Some authentic rice paper room dividers would set off the small electric fountain feature in the corner.
    The room should be keep clean and tidy to enhance your meditation sessions and the only alcoholic beverage allowed should be saki drunk while wearing one of your ceremonial robes. Any friends who happen to be with you at the time can join in with the chanting.

  13. That has got to be the single most homosexual thing I have ever heard in all my 2^5 years alive on this planet.

  14. 627 Am That is not so much bendy as it is a complete ox-bow lake of a blog. When it comes to subversion, your profile is that of a moebius strip you utter utter deviant. Am See this man for what he is readers - a total deviant. The moisturiser blog was only an extended invitation to a free facial. And we're not talking because you're worth it....Am On reflection readers, there is one piece of worthwhilety in this moral vacuum - I have decided to install a Geisha Dave in my lair to welcome and attend to visitors

  15. Having been bleated at to add serious stuff, here's some things I would include in the ultimate lair. Multiple lighting systems. This can be as simple as a big fuck off main light and a lamp on the side. The point is, you're in one of two modes. You're either in, lair lurking mode where subdued - hopefully controllable - lighting is involved. The second is the ubiquitous holy-fuck-where-the-fucking-thing mode. At which point it's handy to be able to fire up a small sun to find said devices.
    Secondly, there's lots of things you get out just to use for a bit. There should be boxes of STUFF. I mean a box for random small cables. A box for cards, widgets and manuals. How you do that is important. Small packing crates, shelving, whatever. It's a critical part of a lair.
    There's a lot of small things to sort too. Like a thing on the wall that you hang your headset on. You're going to need wall-mounted guitar racks. You want shelving up on the wall to get those Tannoys off your desk. You could even consider building a box around your PC(s) to nuke the noise (openable front so you can change discs etc of course). Worth looking for a silent peltier fridge, if someone has made one yet. Perfect.
    Also, I'd build an arcade cabinet too. Not because you need one. Not because you even like retro games. Not for any reason other than the fact that an arcade cab in the corner of your lair looks fucking cool.

  16. Man from Northern Australia with dodgy haircut and matching shirts in non appreciation of aesthetic modern minimalist European home decor shock horror! :-)

  17. A mate of mine has an original space invaders table, you know the monochrome one with coloured tape accross the screen for the top layer. Valves & all shorts of shit in there.