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Wednesday 31 March 2004

Dentist Fun and Frolics [vagga]

Its no secret that people from these parts of the world are no great fans of going to the dentist. In fact I know more people that never go than I know people that go, no real reason behind it bar laziness I suppose. With that in mind my lazy arse has not been to a dentist in rather a long time, about 15 years in fact! I remember my last visit very clearly, I ate lots of sweets like most kids, I never brushed my teeth like lots of kids and my brothers and sisters seemed to be coming and going from dentists the whole time! So it was with much glee that I received the news from the dentist that I had perfect teeth and I should keep up the good work looking after them! I felt like a man who had just beaten a lie detector test! It was with that in mind that I resolved never to go to the dentist nor brush my teeth ever again!
Now, we all know life is not that easy. Eventually you realise that other people donÂ’t like you when you have breath that smells like a public portaloo late on Sunday at a 3-day music festival for people who like Guinness and curry! So I had no other choice but to start a simple teeth-cleaning regime that I have stuck to with the fierce determination that I stick to every fad that crosses my mind! What IÂ’m trying to say is that while I do clean my teeth, and wash with mouthwash I donÂ’t do it twice a day IÂ’m happy to just do it in the evening before I go to bed and I have been guilty down the years of missing the odd night, or even week in some cases! While I always knew it was a recipe for disaster, and that it would come back and haunt me in the end laziness won out.
Now this becomes even more bizarre by the fact that I work (literally) across the road from a fantastic, modern dental clinic (right beside where your brother works Karen!). I have walked by said modern clinic pretty much every day for something like the 2 years itÂ’s been open. I always look into the window to see whatÂ’s going on, and when IÂ’m on my mobile or thinking about something I stand at the window at my office and stare down at it. Yet I was never inside there, until this morning that is!
I had a late night last night, playing planeside for 4 hours, and then watching a few Series 2 Soprano episodes (swapped my West Wing boxes with one of the lads hereÂ’s Soprano boxes for a while!). So it was not till something like 11am when I got my arse into work, and on the spur of the moment I went onto the dental clinic and asked about making an appointment for a check-up. Now it turns out you donÂ’t even need to make an appointment for a check-up, which makes the last few years of inaction even worse. So I thought I better get into work and show my face and I can venture back there after lunch.
So I venture over there at 2pm this very afternoon. After filling out a pile of forms and paying the “your lazy dole/lazy student scum, therefore were taking advantage of you” charge of £35! Sit about for almost an hour and then the time comes. I really had no idea what to expect. Would I have to get 400,000 fillings? Would the dentist laugh at me and then get his dentist mates in to look at the paddy’s shit teeth!
So I get called into the dentist, and low and behold the dentist is the foxy chick from foxyville. I felt like Wayne from Wanes World when he sees that chick and “Foxy lady” starts playing in the background! She has a German accient, so when I’m down on the dentists chair, she’s like, “vou kun reeelaxxx” and I’m waiting for her to say, “vee ave vays of making vou talk” (Im thinking of the foxy chicks wearing leather and the cool guns in RtCW here) but I’m silly like that and maybe I’ve seen one to many world war 2 movies, and played a world war 2 game too many!
She asks me when I was last at the dentist, and who it was so she could get my records from him, and I tell her that I don’t actually have one and that in-fact I have never been to a dentist before (so I lied, I thought if I’m going have fun poked at me, I might as well make the most of it!). I swear she swayed on her 7” Stilettos for a second when I said that :)
So she started poking around inside my gob, and calling stuff out to her assistant. “Bottom left 1, left 2, left 3..” and I’m thinking “fuck, I don’t need work on every single one of my teeth do I?” Alas no, she was just confirming that I indeed had those teeth! So we get an X-Ray of my mouth and we return and she pokes about some more. You will all know I’m missing two teeth at the roof at the front; I was kind of interested if I could get something sorted out there, and after that I want a proper dentists “boxing” gum shield. They cost a bit, but protect your teeth and gums, and since I’ve been kicked I the mouth twice playing rugby this season, I don’t want to take a chance with the shitty cheap ones I have been using.
But then she says the words I really did not expect to hear. “vour teet are good” Now I’m the one swaying on my feet. She says my teeth are perfect and that I all she would say is that maybe I could get them bleached, and I said fuck that. She can give them a simple clean, I’m not paying £400 so people can see me coming from 2 miles away due to the bright teeth :)
I also have the tough choice between a free (NHS) bridge to fill the two gaps, that would need to be replaced every two years or a fake tooth that would be screwed into the roof of my mouth that would last forever at £2,000 per tooth. I um’d and aww’d and agonised over that one for all of 1 pico second :)
So thatÂ’s it right there, the lesson behind successful teeth is to totally ignore them! Thinking about it everyone I know who does the whole floss, brush, wash twice a day has shit teeth, and all the lazy people who ignore them have great teeth. I think there is a message there somewhere :)


  1. They'll fall out anyway. Even if you don't have tooth decay & don't brush you'll get gum disease. Your gums will shrink & the beggars will drop out. Shit design the human body. I reckon I should have a good ole Jaws set welded in :)

  2. I'm somewhere in between - brush twice daily, and that's it. Just went in for a routine check because it felt like one of my teeth was chipped. Turns out it was tooth decay - the tooth was collapsing in on itself, so I've just had the nerve in that teeth removed and a root filling done. Deep joy.


  3. I tell you what, these dentist need to learn how to do stuff properly - i learnt all my stuff at Academy of Clinical Excellence


  4. Why would anyone want their teeth bleached white? They don't occur naturally white so what's going on? People look fucking ridiculous and they probably think they look great!