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Friday 11 October 2002

Archer gets off 'toff' free [lurks]

I must hold my hand up to being a self-confessed member of the Lord Jeffrey Archer fan cub. I mean that in a sarcastic sense of course. Few people hate the man more than I. I hate him because he has that whole pompous Tory arrogance about him that makes him believe he is a far more worthwhile person than anyone else and therefore anything he does is justified and any hardship he endures is grossly unfair.

Few cheered loudly as I when the worthless sack of upper class excrement landed himself in jail for lying. That was, if you recall, that he had a friend create an alibi for him. He concealed this for 13 years, well after he won a libel case off the Daily Star and thieved £500K off them as a result.

Anyhow, let us fast forward to more recent times and the debacle of dear Jeff's bed and breakfast at Her Majesty's pleasure. Apparently because he's some upper class toff, he gets moved to an open prison. Whereupon everybody's favorite peer proceeds to attend champagne parties rather than sit safely behind bars as the lying cad should. What in hell is going on here?

As if this isn't quite bad enough, he's been let off for that and for writing about prisoners in particular in his latest talentless scrawlings on his jail experiences! Instead this bloke has been happily sitting in jail exposing drug-use in prisons. I'm deeply offended that it should be him to have done this, while it's doubtless worthwhile I resent that a shade of legitimacy be lent to the writings of this horrible man.

It has to be pointed out that the bulk of Jeff's literary output concerns itself with far more important things than drug uses and spends the pages complaining about things like... security and 'officious tones' from prison warders and how bad the food is. Well gee Jeff, that is the point you tory-reject retard! Poor little lamb has a bleat about the lack of curtains on his barred windows would you believe! Don't believe me, check out the Guardian's breakdown of his book.

Here's a bit I'd like to quote;

Archer, being Archer, is the most explicit yet. 'When I get out, will I have to follow the path of Oscar Wilde and live a secluded life abroad, unable to enjoy the society that has been so much a part of my existence?' he wailed on Tuesday. O unhappy and forsaken Toad! 'Will I able to visit old haunts - Lord's, Le Caprice, the Tate Gallery - or even walk down the street without people's only thought being: 'There's the man who went to jail for perjury'?' Well, that would depend on how often he keeps reminding us, wouldn't it? Without this diary and all the lunching and showing off that got him deported from his open prison, the public might well have concluded that Archer would complete his sentence suitably chastened and entitled to a new start.

That's it in a nutshell isn't it? Anyhow, as I never grow tired of telling you, I have the best ideas. Henceforth to combat this instance of horrible little men like Archer getting off so lightly (nay, getting even more wealthy!) I propose that judges be abolished and that I, the future King of the United Kingdom, sit in judgement of cases such as this. Naturally I shall not be restrained by any sentencing guidelines that the law may attempt to impose.

Me: 'Have you anything to say before I pass sentence?'

Jeff: 'This is most irregular...'

Me: 'SHUT UP YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MAN! When taking into account that you're a smug lying Tory cunt and that should you be allowed, you will continue foist your talentless whiney writings on the nation, I feel I have no choice but to sentence you to death!'

Jeff: 'But! But!'

Me: 'They'll be no more of that for you paid for by my subjects. Would the court please take this man from here where he shall be given a 5 minute head start before the hounds and huntsman be unleashed so that he may be caught and dismembered by hungry canines until dead.'

You know it makes sense.

1 comment:

  1. I think Jeffrey Archer's books and short stories are all very bad. In fact, I make fun of his short stories on my blog.