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Tuesday 13 January 2004

Teh laws of teh woman [slim]

Women. Fuck me there's a lot of things that'll piss you off about living with one, but the very worst thing I contend with with are the LAWS OF LIFE ACCORDING TO WOMAN. There's many of these laws, many are known only to Woman herself, but through careful observation and personal experience, I've been able to work a few of them out myself. Here's a couple of the most infuriating, if you've managed to work any others out, please share with a common goal of finding the correct logic to defeat these inflexible laws:
1. Thine telephone conversation shall take priority over any other form of communication. Wifes on a phone call, all other communication must stop. Anything that makes a noise, kids, tv, cats, masterbation, all must be silenced in favour of the phone call, no matter who she's talking to. Logic doesn't work, 'But isn't talking to me as important than talking shite to Aunty Dorris?', 'Why can't I interrupt you talking to your friend on the phone the way you interrupt me talking to my mate in the pub?'. Usually a glare is all that's allowed, for the conversation on the phone cannot be silenced for anything. House can burn down, kids can starve, but the person on the phone cannot be interrupted. For some explicable reason other forms of electronic communication don't appear to share the telephones lofty status. A conversation on IRC or in a game can and will be frequently interrupted, and if you dare to ask her highness to wait while you finish what you're typing a lo! ng 'I know who's more important to you' huff will follow. Voice comms in games is just sad of course, the lowest of the low, nothing at all like a phone conversation, in fact, can you just not do that right now? I'm trying to watch East Enders. One small development in this area is the SMS message, which seems to be gaining ground on the telephone as being more important than anything else that could be happening at the time.
2. Broadcast Television take priority over other uses of the TV. A modern TV is truly the entertainment hub of your house. It'll allow you to watch DVD's, play console games, listen to music and view your digital photographs. But not if she's watching anything via a broadcast medium. There's two people in a room, one wants to play a console game, the other wants to watch something on TV. Nothing in particular, just something. Who wins? The TV viewer. Why? Because it's the Law. 'Why can't you video that show then and watch it when I'm done with me xbox? I'm not that bothered about it, I just want to watch SOMETHING, and I don't want to listen to you swearing at your sad imaginary friends either', sheesh.
3. Environmental Priority in the living room. This one is probably unique to those of us without central heating. Two people in a house, one is in the living room, one is in an adjacent room. The one outside would like the door open so he gets some fucking heat, the other is in the living room and wants the door shut to keep the heat in. 'There's only two of us, why can't we share the heat' says the cold party 'If you want to be warm, you have to come by the fire' says the illogical beast. I dont get it, but of course that's the point.
Anyone come accross any more?


  1. No no, women make perfect sense to me, ahem :P

  2. 4) Anything computer related is not a valid use of time: If I'm on the sofa reading slashdot on my lappy, I'll get moaned at for wasting my time (reading a book, newspaper, or even sitting staring blankly into space do not solicit similar responses). If I'm playing a videogame I'll get 'seeing as you're not doing anything, you can start on that ironing'. Not doing anything??
    5) Thou shalt drop everything to talk to me, the reverse does not apply: If I'm deep in concentration - playing a game, or performing vital and extremely dangerous maintenance work on our electrics, and I fail to respond with great interest and enthusiasm to details of her day, I get an ear bashing. If I dare to utter anything, or even clear my throat, during Eastenders, I'm dead!

  3. 6) Playing a game late at night using voice comms. There's two doors which may be shut between the computer room and the bedroom. When the two doors are shut, the bedroom is perfectly quiet. You know this from experience because if you're trying to sleep in the morning while missus has some shitehook workout television shit on, you can close both doors and get back into bed and sleep.
    But of course, rather than woman closing doors at night when you're playing a game - you need to be told that it's late. And you're making noise. And unlike you, SHE has to get up early in the morning. She could just close the two fucking doors of course but that wouldn't be the same. Or even 'come to bed, I want a shag' but no - it's I CANNOT SLEEP. YOU ARE KEEPING ME UP. Fucking bollocks!
    7) There's a movie on, I say, I'd quite like to record it while I'm playing games. Is that OK? Yes, she says. I like that movie, I'll watch it. Ok right, just if you want to watch anything else - that's fine, but if you're going to watch that I'll record it so I can watch it later. That's fine my love, she says.
    I'm watching vid cap next evening. It gets 3/4 the way through and then the screen goes blue. This can only mean one thing: the digibox has been switched off when woman got bored watching the movie. Err, I say, I was recording that and now you've fucked it. I didn't fuck it, she says. Yes you did, you turned the digibox off. But I left the television on!

  4. Woman that think going to bed means you want to talk about the relationship! Not that you might want some sleep.Woman that decide that the adverts is the perfect time to be quiet and probably think about what they want to say the minute the programme you want to watch comes back on.
    /we split up...problem solved!

  5. Don't put up with this shite. Educate the bint.Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do notwork! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, forexample, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no ideawhat mauve is.If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like nothing'swrong. We know you are lying, but it's not worth the hassle.If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer youdon't want to hear.When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.Really.You have enough clothes.You have too many shoes.I am in shape. Round is a shape.Basically if you're on the net or playing games with anyone on the net, deep down she's sure you're organising an affair.There's nothing you can do to stop this, reason wouldn't work nor would her watching what you typed.Just put up with it or get a divorce.

  6. Learn to work the toilet seat : I've experimented by always leaving the lid down. Guess what? Not a murmur, not one.

  7. No even when you leave a layer of piss on the top of it?
    Pretty understanding woman that, you that is ya big girls blouse!

  8. Sounds like you've all lost your balls, worrying too much about what yer wimmin thinks. Who gives a shit what they think? Chain em to the sink and get on with your computer gaming DVD watching toilet seat anarchy!