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Tuesday 15 June 2004

Alternatives to football [lurks]

Football sucks piss. We all know that, even those which claim otherwise - if secretly at least. Since the UK is so useless at this sport, I'm fucked if I know why we're so obsessed by it. It's a fucking joke how all the 'clubs' are just covens of overpaid foreigners, desperately trying to prop up the playing standard.
But rather than get caught up with that, let's look forward to what sports the English are good at. What should the nation get behind? With the World Cup result, you'd have thought Rugby until you witnessed the absolute annihilation of the English at the hands of the Kiwis this weekend.
Well, I was asked this question by Jay on MSN just now and I came up with two possibilities. Darts and Snooker. Thinking on it further, I wonder if there's a coincidence that both sports are essentially played indoors, in a pub in fact. Nay, not a coincidence I feel.
Also, rather than trying to bash the image of the average British man - perhaps we should embrace it and redefine the look of our heros. Out with the Beckhams and in with Fatty and Charmaine Jenkins. Fatty being the World Champion (to borrow a leaf from the Americans) darts player. Jay says they'll not be the sponsorship money. Wont there indeed?
I'd argue that there's more opportunities for a proper pie guzzler like Fatty to endorse quality products which the British can identify with. Like beer and pies, for a start.

'My name is Fatty Jenkins and I swear by Mackies Burgers with extra mayo. As a result of the quality food products from Mackies, my Brit belly is an stable platform for my elbow and plays a major part in my undefeated run in the World Darts Championships. Mackies rocks, don't forget to supersize!'

You know it makes sense.


  1. I'd like to echo the fact that football guzzles the urine. I hate it, especially the way it just plonks itself all over the TV schedules non stop when some goddamned league or championship appears.
    Given we have freeview now, and sky, and cable, footy should be on a dedicated channel; free to air for national games.
    Snooker and Darts are OK, but lets not forget the likes of dominos, cribbage, gin rummy, and hungry hippos.
    I'd much rather see a bunch of pissed up slobs play hungry hippos than watch the likes of Beckham whirl round a pitch to the tune of £50,000 a minute, or whatever it is he earns.
    And then MISS.

  2. Cor, good suggestions. Perhaps we could bring back pro gaming too! We'd have to pick some game which the Swedes don't play but we could own after that!

  3. Of COURSE! - nude mud/baby oil wrestling (catering for all inclinations, natch) with points given for technique, grace, and follow up position.
    Olympiad Meets Porn.
    It's the way it was meant to be.

  4. Why don't Lurk and Brit start sucking piss as a sport? If it catches on it could even be more popular than the sport you say you hate!

  5. Cor, that might be a sport the Scottish would be good at too.

  6. Hardly racist when it's a personal observation that Scots may be excellent at sucking piss?

  7. Surely with vile brews like Carling, the English must be Champions of the suck piss world?

  8. Um, right. For every Carling there's about 10,000 breweries such as the legendary Sheppards Naeme. That's rather like saying that all Scotch is the same as Och Aye Oo Vindaloo Scotch or something.
    Where as Scotland has such fine delectable ales for the connoisseur such as Tennents Special Brew.

  9. just curious, what has national borders got to do with the idiots illogical racetheories?

  10. It amuses me when the Glaswegian slags off British beverages while his whole town swills Buckfast nightly, which is brewed in Devon!

  11. They keep quiet about where it's made. So much so that I got a Scotsman to send me one. Assuming it was... Scottish or something...