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Saturday 26 July 2003

The witch from the Sky [slim]

Fuckign sky right...
Want to reduce my packages, I'm on the lot minus sports at the mo, at some 30+ quid a month. We never watch the movies, they're usually shit, and always end up going for box office if we rarely want to watch a flick. So I ring the 'packages' number out of the sky mag, it announces that it's only for adding packages, not removing. So I phone the main number, get through a couple of menues and the options are:
'if you want to add channels press 1, if you want to discuss changing your package press 2' They never actually say the word remove, and they sneak the little 'discuss' in there as a taster whats to come...
So you finally get a human, who asks what you want, even though I've fucking been through five mins of menu that tells her exactly what the fuck I want, bitch. So I say I want to dump the movies off my sub, and the disney channels. She says, sweetly 'Can you tell me why you want to do that sir?'. 'Because it's rubbish' I says, trying to go for a quick end to it. She's not having that of course 'Do you mean the films aren't to your taste sir?'. I wasn't going to let that lie, how dare she turn it round on me? Typical woman tactic that, it can never be their fault, oh no!
'No, not just that, they're all really old. We always seem to end up paying for the good stuff on box office'. Even as I said it, I regretted it, the bitch is looking at my account, she knows how rarely I buy a box office. She's not going to press that though, she comes back with facts instead, cow.
'We put sixty new films on sky premier every month that haven't been on box office'.
Bull shite. Even if its true, they must be fucking stinkers. She's not done though, and keeps on with a 'It's excellent value if you rent a lot of dvd's'. This fucking mare isn't letting up!
'I'm just not watching it, so it's not worth paying for..' I say desparately. I'm not asking for much, I'm still paying them nearly 20 notes a month for a load more channels I never fucking watch, it's worth that to get this harpy off my back!
She's got another tactic though, 'You pay for your subscription in advance Sir, you've got five days to go on the movies. If you cancel now they'll go off immediately, but if you call back on the 29th you can watch what you've paid for and not pay any extra.'
They've got all this shit worked out eh? They know full well I've been meaning to cancel this sub for months. They've got some kind of wife nag detector in that evil little box under my telly that blinks in red on some massive screen with a map of the UK on it with the title 'WIFE NAGGING TO REDUCE SKY SUB' on the top. This lady on the blower knows that if I put the phone down without cancelling now, I'm a lazy enough shit to leave it for another six months. Besides, she's put the fear up me now, there's now way I'm calling back.
I think the only thing that saved me is that during the conversation, I flicked on to sky premier to say bye-bye. Fucking Crocodile Dundee in LA (IMDB 4.7/10). With that awful stinking turd on my screen to combat her magic, the evil witch was foiled, 'No, just cancel it now please'. It was done, but she wasn't...
'Do you have BT sir?'
Fuck me! Thank pissing Christ I'm not even able to get BT on my little rock, there was no way she could sell me that!
Sky are conning, mind reading, scheming, tossing, clever little shites. And you know what I'm thinking of spending my freshly liberated fiveteen quid a month on? Fucking sky+


  1. Heh, that's unreal. I have to do it myself next month too. Another thing to try, call up your mobile operator and request a PAC number. The only reason you're doing so is to move to another operator. They try *everything* at that point.

  2. Actually, funny you should mention this Lurk. Pulled that trick with T-Mobile, managed to blag a T610 for free. Tried it with O2, to get me mum a phone upgrade (she's still using the C35 that she got about 5 years agot or summat). Here's a vague transcript of the conversation:
    Me: 'I'd like to upgrade to a Samsung A800 please.'
    Muppet: 'That will be £130, sir.'
    Me: 'Fuck off! I've been with you for 8 years, and haven't upgraded my phone in 5!'
    Muppet: 'That'll be £130, sir.'
    Me: 'Right, can I have my PAC number please?'
    Muppet: 'Ermm, ahhh, yes sir, I'll have that posted to you, it'll be with you in 3-4 working days.' *click*
    What the fuck, eh? Madness.

  3. I went to cancel an NTL account just before I moved down to Brighton. So I ring the customer services number, sit in the queue for half an hour, but this is clearly not sufficient. 'You need to ring [random number] to do that, sir.' Of course I do! Ring up, 10 mins in queue. 'Sorry, we only deal with Sussex installations. You need to ring the Berks and Bucks cancellation number.' Of course! Ring up, 20 mins. 'Hello, customer services.' No, I was told this was Berks and Bucks cancellations. 'Sorry sir, let me put you through.' 10 mins of Bach. Click. Ring up customer services again. 25 mins. 'Oh, you should have been told to ring [random number].' Ring up, 10 mins. 'I'm sorry, but...' Look you stupid bastard, if you don't cancel this account right now I'm going to call up my bank, cancel the direct debit, and throw your fucking STB out of the window. He relents and decides to deal with this, but of course I have to pay for the next two months service because, s!illy me, I rang on the 25th of the month or something and it takes 7 working days to action. Well, fuck.
    Then they overbill me and I have to spend a similarly phenomenal amount of time on the phone convincing them to give back my 60 quid. Had the same problem with TXU Energi, too. Fuckers owed me £240 due to overbilling on gas, and wouldn't pay it for close to eight months. Of course if you take that long to pay *them*, they'll repossess your house and leave you for dead in a ditch somewhere...